Years ago, Dad called me. “Did you get the news from Niles?” Those seven words made my breath quicken. No, I hadn’t. “You didn’t hear from Judy?” I gasped. I heard my choking voice say, “Oh no! Not Uncle Ray! Not Uncle Ray!”
No. Not Uncle Ray. Someone completely unexpected. Someone else I cared about.
God, forgive me. What was I feeling, in the wake of an unexpected family death? Relief? To my embarrassment and dismay, yes. Relief. I actually sighed long and hard with that relief, and immediately confessed to Dad what I was feeling. I don’t remember his response. I remember not feeling judged for my human heart. I remember believing this would remain between Dad and me and my God. But it didn’t. I’ve confessed it to a few others I love and trust. To this day, I still feel the guilt well up on remembrance. But, God …
Oh, the human heart
Which beat in Jesus, himself
For John, whom He loved.
© Marie Elena Good, 2018